Shameless bitch..i am SOO pissed with you!

i don't know why i always require some kinda inspiration to start..and to finish something!!
its sad really! is it just me being plain fucking L.A.Z.Y. or is there more to it!!

i get bored easily of things..and i read somewhere..i don't remember where..that a person who gets bored easily is basically bored with themselves! and i don't want that! don't wanna accept that! is it really soo difficult? do i always have to have people behind me to make me do things? do i have to wait for the deadline to be staring right in my face to start working? do i need my fucking ass to be on fire before i realise that something is more important than me lazying around and watching TV?!!!

and its not really like i don't accept it! i wouldn't be writing this out here if i hadn't!
but i just don't know! i have absolutely lost track of the number of times that i have had this conversation with myself!! the same things over and over again!! i am SOOOO sick..and TIRED of myself because my stupid thick fat head can't seem to grasp the idea that its time..its fucking beyond time...that i really need to start getting serious about what i wanna do!!
just getting lucky doesn't work always!!

and it pricks me the most when it comes to studies and career!! GAWWWDDD!! enough already woman! i am just so high about the fact that i have good brains that i feel like i don't need hard work!
sometimes i really wish i had it more difficult!! time and again it just comes easy! so that i don't NEED to do anything more seriously! i study right before the exam and end score almost equal to a person who has put in a whole month of their effort! its nice to tell yourself that wow..girl you are smart! and it feels good to know that it gives you time to go and have fun in all that extra time!

but its NOT nice..when you see that there are those people still there who you can so easily do better than with just a little more effort from your end! i mean you have the brains!! is it so difficult for you to get that ass of yours working!?!?!!??

i do this EVERY taaaiimeeee! every fucking time! i tell myself..no..this time its going to be different! from tomorrow you are gonna start working out...look great...get a part time job..some work experience...have fun and at the same time SLOG!

thats why i can't even repeat that dialogue (monologue actually) now anymore!! it would be so hypocritical of me!
but really i just want to stop being lazzzyy now! get my life under control! i wanna get busy..busy and being happy cause i am doing something!! not wasting my time on unproductive things...like facebook or something!!

and i am writing all this so i can read it everyday and feel guilty if i am not doing these things!!

P.S.- seriously this time SHOULD be...HAS to be..different!
go and get your jogging shoes out for tomorrow..nowww..GOOO!!

wish me luck! :|

At the back of your mind..All day long..

i got up early today after a bad night...
tomorrow was going to be a good day...
that was the last thing i had said to myself before falling asleep..
so i went to college had an amazing discussion with some friends..
a good productive NSS meeting...
great fun at lunch on FC...
shopping help for my sis in the evening..
and the day was actually good!

but even when everything seems to be going so good...
you know there's something disturbing going on inside you...
something that made you shed a few tears last night...
something you didn't want to think about too much...
which wasn't supposed to affect you BECAUSE you had decided to not let it...

but it does in the end..

and you are left with wondering the whole day what could i possibly do to shake away this feeling!
its so weird when you know something is amiss..
and weirder when you know exactly whats amiss!

i just really want to get this sorted..i don't like the feeling of living like something's incomplete!

I might repent posting this later!..

the sole reason that i am going to post something that private is because..i want remember this..remember everything said and done by my dad so well that it remains etched in my mind forever! the hate and confusion is forming to much of a jumble in my thoughts for me to think...or talk...and therefore i am going to write! and i know i have a bad memory..so it'll do me good to post this so that 3 yrs down the line when i am in some B-school and wondering what the fuck ever made me come here i can just read this..
now that i have made it clear as to why i am writing this i hope i don't kill myself for it the next time i read it!

today my dad hit me...slapped me twice and hit me on the head once...and i am in second year! i can't believe how much more it hurts writing this and accepting it to the world than what it hurt like when i was being hit!!
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he told me that i will never do anything in my life..
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i am incapable of taking decisions for myself and will end up as confused as i am right now, 3 yrs down the line when i complete my B.Sc. agriculture degree!
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psychology is not actually my passion...its just something i like and have over fantasised about!
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i should quit dreaming so much and come back to the real world..
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if i decide to do psychoanalysis i must know that i have no mental support from him whatsoever because he does not approve of my choice..i am making my career go to the dogs!
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i am too much of a spoilt brat to ever enter and survive a field in which i can't earn.
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he says that i won't even like psychoanalysis once i get into it...and then i'll want to run away..but i won't be able to coz i'll be too ashamed to.
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my mum thinks psychology is not really a field!

so much for a family..one thing i am thankful for is my sister..who came into the room after the whole thing got over..looked at me and said..you don't wanna talk about it right now na? I TRULY LOVE HER!

anyway...in short i cried buckets full today!...contemplated running away from home for a whole fifteen minutes...and killing myself for about two! but now, weirdly..and thankfully..i am not depressed! it has made me realise that many of the things that my dad said today are some of my deepest fears unknown to everyone! it has caused me to THINK...it has made me ten times more passionate about my dream and what i really want to do! and i am not going to let other people control my life for long! i will score excellently in the CAT...and do MBA..get money..and pursue my dream..alone for all i care! some people can never be changed or even talked to..and i must not try! its just another sad fact of my life that my dad has to be one of those people! but thats all that it will remain as..a sad fact..which will slowly rot and decay and stop affecting me completely someday!

i have to prove myself to my dad who doesn't believe in me...and to myself who truly loves me!

P.S. i might be able to forgive my dad someday but i don't think i'll ever forget! i don't wish him bad..but i really do wish he realises and repents like hell..all that he did to not only me but to many other people!

P.P.S.- thank you dad..

Writer's block turned Rambling!

This is soo sad!! i got my internet connection and don't have a single thing i feel like writing about..reeelly disastrous!!

i hate writer's blocks..especially because this was supposed to be a place i can talk rubbish about! and i don't even feel like rambling!!

i recently read a quote by a friend which said...
'If you love to do some thing but are not in a mood to do it then that means you are miserable!'

and i am seriously worrying that maybe its true! i maybe pretty miserable! the funnily...irritating thing is that...you realise you are miserable..or at least unsatisfied..butabsolutely don't know what to do about it!

then by some brainwave you get all inspired and happy....and decide to take things under control and all...one..two..three days go by without any sadness whatsoever...and then a small stupid incident happens..and you realise you are back to being down in the dumps again! at least earlier it was 'days' i would measure this by...now i feel like my mood changes every hour or something!! just sometime back...i was all happy when i came back from college!! and now i go on facebook for like one hour..and i am pissed at a hundred different people!! not pissed pissed..but still pissed! you know?!

and YESS! facebook!! i don't really like that thing you know!! i spend three-fourth of my waking hours stalking people, checking out applications, writing on peoples' walls, chatting, commenting on statuses..and oh ya..'like'-ing stuff!! but seriously if you ask me..its F.A.K.E.!...and its a lame excuse for my almost non-existent social life!there are people who act like the best of friends...and really bitch about each other in real life!! people uploading the awesomest pics of themselves...showing off their friends and the ever-happening life that they have! people commenting mean stuff sometimes...people who go..'omg...thats such a sexy pic' when they actually didn't find it interesting at all...and then the other person replies 'awww...your so sweet to say that...love you..mwaaah..*two hearts*!!'

ARGHHH!!! no wonder i am so pissed..it can really make you feel like you totally don't have a life and make you jealous cause a thousand others do..but this anger doesn't count you know..cause in about two minutes..after i finish posting this article i am going back on fb to check for notifications...i want to see if anyone comments on that pic i uploaded!! :|

P.S.-one word for me- H.Y.P.O.C.R.I.T.E.

P.P.S.- I am happy about one thing right now...at least i posted..even if its plain rambling!

Long post ahead...possibly boring too! cause i am bored right now!

ohk..i am real BaD with post titles! :|
whatever..

finally INTERNET CONNECTION!!
i hateeeee not being without it...i hate having to check my facebook updates and especially notifications through my cell...hate going to that dingy old rat-hole of a cybercafe (ohk it wasn't that bad...but still!!)...hate posting from there (now you know why i didn't)..
and right now the thing i hate the most is that over the past month i had made mental notes about things that i wanted to post about...and i have completely forgotten what they were..
note to myself..do not make mental notes..you have a BAADDD memory! :@

whatever...so since i can't think about any particular thing to write about..i am planning to go on random mode and post whatever interesting things i remember over the past one month or so!

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so the last two days were tooo awesome!...actually well not that awesome..i mean i have had better days but you know when after a long period of an E.M.P.T.Y. and sad life you get even two days where you do different...exciting...and new things...it IS very awesome!
i tried hookah...and i am oh-so-pro! i don't know how that makes me feel actually! i am very happy about that but it kinda scares me too you know! like i think i am already addicted or something! whatever i enjoyed it so i am not trying not to think too much about it!

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on Thursday last week i walked 35 kms..do not ask details!! :|

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last week i fell into this tank in our college...i think it had rainwater or something..along with some rotten leaves and HUGE cockroaches!!

it was our horticulture practical..and we were learning about the dracina species..and around nine of us stood on this cement structure covered with leaves and all..before i could even write 'dra' in my book the whole cement structure crumbled and broke...

for the first few seconds i thought it was an earthquake and we were all falling into the earth..then i realised that there was water around me...i got scared that it was some nala or something...i have heard really scary stories of people being washed away into the sea! and then i finally touched solid ground to realise that i was in this tank with iron rods jutting all around me...few roaches here and there (damn those creatures! they can survive anywhere!)...and broken twigs and rotten leaves all around me!! BLEH!

i HATE such embarrassing things! i went back home half wet and half dry! i couldn't even camouflage with the crowd since it hadn't rained at all that day!! and everyone was staring at me like i was an animal who escaped from the zoo! jobless fuckers! worst part...my friends are laughing about that incident till this date! hmppphh.

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i shifted and i love my new house...
and i have this huge crossword down the road...and like a very characteristic jobless person i keep going there like almost every alternate day! i have already read like 3 complete books there! i hope they don't kick me out the next time i go!! :|

P.S.-
after writing this post i realised either two things:
2. that my memory is too horrible for words coz all i can remember is three interesting incidents!
1. or that my life has come to this VERYYY boring patch where there wasn't anything interesting happening!!

and according to me i think its a bit of both! -_-
whatever...good news..since the last two days it hasn't been that bad..and hopefully it will keep getting better!

P.P.S.-
Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

I L.O.V.E. this song!
and i think i am missing having a guy in my life..i just realised that i haven't even had a crush for around 3 months now! and feels more like a year!

This was supposed to be posted loooongggg back..

more precisely lik 14th of june or something!! one month really?!!?! S.A.D.


so i finally shifted to pune! still unpacking! this is the first time i saw my new house...and it looks smaller than my previous one..but its cosy!!

i already decided my favourit-est part of the whole house! tada-da-da-tada...the balcony! its BEeggG! with a small hillock right in front..literally about 50 m from the tower! and since its raining there are like small waterfalls all over it! its like lonavla came right in front of you..or maybe like how the mumbai-pune expressway looks in the rainy season!! i absolutely LOVE it!

now i have to get back to planning my room with my sister..gonna try and be creative. i want something that looks like konkona sensharma's flat shown in 'wake up sid'. it was so nice and airy! but i doubt my interior decorating skills very much! whatever...lets see how it comes out!

:)))

Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain fall on your face with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby.

Threw out my old raincoat
Set sail without a boat
For places somewhere far beyond my dreams
As the sky came pourin' down
I laid down on the ground
Like I was dreamin'
I let the feelin' wash all over me
Rain, rain love come down, all around me
Rain, rain love so glad ya finally found me


the rain makes me dance, skip and wear bright colours..

i love the feel of rain on my face..

the noise of raindrops on rooftops..

the smell of wet mud just after a shower...

twirling my pink umbrella..

the way everything looks so much more greener...

jumping into puddles...splashing water all around..

getting wet in the middle of the night...

playing basketball in the rains...

walking with your love in the same umbrella...

treks on hills with windcheaters and sport shoes..

hot huge mugs of coffee and terraces...


and loads of singing just because you are happy...
:)

I'm singing in the rain, just singing in the rain; What a wonderful feeling, I'm happy again. :)
-Arthur Freed